my veins need to unlearn your name

My veins know so well my drive,
My sweet sorrowful heavy belonging love
Please stop enchanting
From deep down myself
'Cause I feed myself with drive
And now I try to suffice myself
And say no to pain
And pain is what i love till blood comes
And say no, no to what drives you mad and bold
And loved engraved in my desire.
To become, to love.
I beg, all naked, fragile and strong
For once I miss the drive from that place that puts me first.
And I push away a desire
That I want and I so wish to stop
To be full like the full moon.
And I wish to stop seeking for the only drive I know
That drives me mad,
Makes me alive,
Trows me off the floor,
And on again, like a wave of self-loath, of love
Oh, sweet sorrowful love
No good, only when you see fit
Alone and in the night
Amen
I beg once more
I send one prayer more
Of light, to be myself tonight
And more.
Unspoken and more.


My veins know so well my drive
that it comes so easily for them to want it back
And I lean back and forth in life
In wait, in awe and in not wanting it back
That I still have to wait and see who wins all that.

i only want you

afraid no more- only addicted

and then there comes a time when sleep can't come no more unless from an out of this world kind of magic and excitement. afraid no more- only addicted

love that keeps me burning

  I think I love travelling because by being still I get no answer. No answer from myself. No answer to my depressions. And after a trip I am all fuzzy but need an entire week to recover and adapt. No full week.
Because I am too much in my head I get scared of the unknown. Therefore in my head ( and sometimes it is) is such a pain to just leave for someplace else. But I know I can do this one day. Leave by myself and not feel so much sorrow from living too much with my so many ideas in my head.
Cand eram cu tine ma trezeam noaptea- sau nu adormeam doar pentru ca nu puteam sa dorm. De drag ca erai ( sa fie asta dupa o luna inca?), ori pentru a nu te misca si sa te trezesti, ori pentru ca nu aveam stare cum nici acasa nu am.
I wish to just travel, just act with somebody for now. Later- I'll see, but these day there needs to be a change. I'm struggling with my photography because these days I am more open to the word and I believe I can create beautiful, special content. I want to support myself in a field that can make me happy. And happy and whole is not something not even from the things I love. Because I never am satisfied with them and want to excel but also because I only want them to be mine.

   Why did I find myself so awake into the night that month in Spain. No question mark. Just a sigh. A question in a sigh. That should equal a change. I know you are not good for me but never have I ever found myself so down to earth than when existing and speaking with you. Hearing your own way of thinking.
   And I would use to stare into the room, into the black and trying to think of what I was feeling. And to associate and trying to find an answer from The Power of Now book. Trying to ignore every though and just be. But my present was mostly that blackness. Kind of like an inactive mood. I wished to do so much but knew you did not had the same ideas as me I've let myself just enjoy those rare, precious moments with you. As much as I could, that I would just stare at just while you were asleep. Oh, how much joy it brought to just read near you while you were sleeping. I used to contemplate you for some time and then continue happily smiling with my book only to skip the reading to stare at you again. This would eventually end with me lightly hugging you or whispering things that you would eventually woke up. Because I would want time with you.

That precious time.

Mid of September- mid of October.

Privirea mea e ațintită la privirea mea ce gura nu îmi mai zâmbeşte
Are ochii în priviri lumi încrucişate.
Un dor ce e acum atins şi-ntors
La gura ce privirea nu mai zâmbeşte.

I WANT TO FIND YOU MINE

  And I would woke up at night, or barely sleeping all through the night, and I would stare at you. And I would always find you so soundly sleeping. And I would be angry at you for not spending more time ( cuddling ) with me. But after I'd acknowledge the angriness and the present moment, I would understand that you are so deeply sleeping that I would kind of step back and I would thank for this moment and I would come so much closer to you. With you sleeping soundly. Because when I would leave in a few days, I could have this moment. And this would go on and on every night.
Sometimes is so easy to love you because you exist and because I want more things to happen when I'm with you. Because they do!