drafts of me lying around

no words, just hope in my gut.




'm taking a good look at your eyes through mine every time I pass a mirror and every time I look up and down and in and every other way

that one time i pushed myself towards the pain to let myself free and from shame to let go x repeated a million times

I lose and I gain balance from taking charge of pain. At least, I, nowadays, these days, try to think of this in the past time. But only when I'll let you go I'll know for sure if it's something I've gained out of my history of pain with you, or the notion of growing up will have to have that part of me too. The struggle to discover myself through pain. Ah this is such an artistic point of view but I wonder if maybe not everybody does it, and if now, how come was that possible!? I am now growing out of pain with patience and most importantly joy. The joy of love that constitutes of all the gratest joys there are.

and I feel concrete with you

And maybe I come back to you over and over again, or I always end up choosing you because maybe I've always wanted and urged for uncertainty. That is what I have with you. I am here, I've done a lot of school years. I don't know how many for my own soul, because truth is- I always was eager to learn but school is not a fine space for me, and for my soul. You withdrew school and are in a different town and are struggling to make your way. You are so different than all I know and I feel concrete with you. And it's all I've always wanted.

Yet, you don't share my goals or my morals and every few minutes or moments find your way to hurt me. For loving you. You leave me, you let me go, return, grab again, Not alluring, just grabbing my broken self, you break it again, you love it for a few ephemeral moments, let go and repeat after an enough period of time when I brake myself, I struggle to wake up, to fall asleep, to sleep and to breath - but I can only breath with hope when you let that escape from your mouth. I love your whole being, but I wonder how much is it real, but the sudden aches in my chest and tummy and in every bone when I call you in silent or out loud whisper makes time being real. Time exists and does not exist with you. It exists because it does not exist. And that is what time means for me, the definition of it. I am a poet in my soul. In pain I write or I silently mumble words or states of mind to be later put in verses. And yet. Here I am. In between of something new and something old or just the question of What is to do this summer? 

I want travels with you. Because these days I live in peace because of your i love you in response to mine, earlier on. Or maybe I should stagnate. Because I never think life is that and that's what I find in search of you, life far of stagnation. Or is it truly life out of stagnation? Whatever, I want that with you now. To live day by day with life. Me- the one that finds life to be mundane when it is life. I don't want this feeling no more. Am I the only one? Because, apparently, I am the only one I know that runs and runs and never reaches, because I never ask, nor I know what is there to find.

I love my soul when I'm with you. It's because it fells like a haven't got one. It just pump. No questions or doubts allowed. My love is love.


You run away from things just the way I do. You hurt me. Just to come back to me and ask yourself why. Because things don't work out, but when you do find that love when in a kiss the whole world in its existence and its sense fall away, you...don't quit it right? But also maybe not, as in my case, where it's only shared in a small percentage, or with a person that does not know its percentage.
But anyhow, do I know mine? Do we, all?

With you I am things I'm not with anyone else, and yet, I don't act at my fullest or just barely act from all of my true self.
With you I am things I'm not with anyone else, and yet you know none of them.

20th June

left in a hurry of 30 minutes and left my town for my world. You.

I'm experiencing this doubt, feeling, excitement for the millionth time. Actually it may be 12th times or so but still. Am I following my heart again or should my brain be the king of the equation? Who do you ask for help and for the 'right' answer. Right as in right for this time being, for the present time. You have this love that you know never never will it survive but you put your whole soul and every piece of your body into...
For the millionth time I wonder...should I leave all of my responsibilities from home and just adventure into the unknown field of personal wanderlust and heartbreak and be with you. Only for a moment- because I struggle to let go, to love you, to let me love you -because you are not one with me, and your world, from what I can most certainly can tell, does not stop from moving when we kiss, when we dance, when we are. I have the strongest feelings for you and it may all be in vain. I can associate my pain with people with serious health problems ( my friend had a sick special someone and I could relate to all the stages and all the inner pain and suffering she 'had' to go through- for example walking and at the crossing looking for cars and feeling that if one were to hit you you could not feel a thing at all ). And that is not good. I know. But I've felt it so fully.

(Monday- Tuesday and so many other times)

numb bare face and skin tormented by you

(On Wednesday )Just before midnight you wrote me you were going to be out of the country in 2 days and my heart started pounding, but you were fast asleep so I worked on what I had going with a rush in my heart that I always felt when it was about you or when I travel. So, at 7am I wrote you should I come today yes or no , and you replied Come; kiss. So after so many hours and no sleep, as I usually do, left in a hurry of 30 minutes and left my town for my world. You. Two beautiful days of how our life were to unfold if we were in the same place and everything were to be at ease.

instagram feed from bari, italy

And much more on my instagram profile. I wonder- I'm the only one that takes a million shots and still feels good about them? And then I go taking a million more. And so on. Is it the quantity ( the x times you press that shutter button ) equivalent with good art? I feel something like a rope at my throat if I don't do so. Please do enjoy and book a ticket too.

quickly it's got me again

You know those moments or memories you want so harshly to relieve but...there's just something in the way, most time distance..? But then there are the moments that are right in front of you and that can rehappen. But you keep pushing yourself out of the equation. We, people, long at any given moment. I wish I could understand how others think, because I feel at any given moment but some..don't.
   I felt a need of longing and because it has to be the end of it- I asked myself for a 5 minute run. I ran just a little and after that, not even letting myself feel tired for a bit, I sat on a fence that was around. Images from an argue came and so my eyes felt happy so I got up and just as I started to move my body and feet, at the first steps, my tears dropped. After I finished a round the block run, I stopped again at the same fence and I think I said it out loud: I think I'll never forget that moment.
The moment when my tears  and the cold  connected, had a harsh contact and it felt like most moments in life feel like, just like life itself: unreachable.
  Since then I am in an awe of me longing for the same boy again and again, when it's not even about the distance. It's about you not letting the guard down and letting someone disrespect you.
 I long for things at every step and truth is...longing don't matter; things are in front of you.

touching the nape of my neck and feeling like the touch i want is still there

stitches

i am powerful in touch.
these may be a bit too much for some.., But i am a million things plus one. I am quiet and nobody can see the variety i carry inside me But when i let go...

I believe this is the silent scream i held inside of me for these two years. It hurt like nothing i knew and now my soul has stitches.