afraid no more- only addicted

and then there comes a time when sleep can't come no more unless from an out of this world kind of magic and excitement. afraid no more- only addicted

everything I need it to be

Every night I'm saying my problems and my doubts to the open sky. I met you in the cold winter, and ever since, every night before sleep I open the window, breath in and out a few times, I get a visual of you, close my eyes, breath one more time which feels like a sigh. And sometimes when I can't no longer go without talking out this feeling, I say my doubts about you out loud. Just the idea of setting them out into the open space feels surreal, unreal, and everything I need it to be. Then I close the window, I turn slowly and I pretend that then I can easily sleep.

Vreau sa imi spun povestea ca sa ma pot elibera.

Cand a fost sa fiu a ta- am rabufnit intr-un suspin adanc, de la care am simtit nevoia sa ma ridic usor si sa rostesc  fara gand aproape :’Nu e bine.’ like a certain unbearable pain would come. I felt like in a novel when a love transcends time with wounds that barely heal.

Now I have days when I barely speak, looking like I’m someplace else. Are most people like this? I too smile and sometimes slightly fake it, but I am also happy. But I have a pain so deep in me and a search without a path. And in those days I want to have that feeling I have when hiding under a blanket. I have this urge to a distant myself from people. I need to. It’s like I need no care, no love, no worries, no past.

These days come and go. And I travel because I always feel like it.

I can’t deal with responsibility. I need to escape it. I just need to create something, but in these days when I need that the most, I kind of move in slow motion. I don’t know how I look, I just feel like I’m crawling.

I want to be trough with my past, with this love that has no ground but too many tears and sorrows. From my part at least. I don’t think I’ve loved before- and now it was with the one that can silence my thoughts and my worries. Just being in the 1m reach. By holding my head on your shoulder or chest. Like nothing else really exists. And it’s all I’ve been looking for. All.

Now I have you far and near for too long. Two and a half years and counting. I’m mad at myself for doing do, as well as all the people I know in my family or by sight. But only one thought of you…and I’m all lost and completely yours. I cry by thought. By image. By self made future plans together. And I can’t stand another man around me, looking at me, touching my hand, my shoulder. They are no you and they are no sparkle to hold on to. And I know you do the same with some so that you’d feel your self-worth.

And I’m struggling to find an answer to a nonexistent situation. But there is just now- my pain, tears, frustration….and at times your monosyllabic answer. And that keeps me going. For how long- I don-t know but I know I’m dying to dilute or annihilate that feeling of lonesomeness that I have in my heart and eyes whenever I travel to a new place, an old place, or in my stare first thing in the morning. I’m dying to have unnumbered days without that. To feel like the muppet string have been cut off.

I am in need.

I want my period of adjustment to be over and reach the next level

I have a feeling of decaying even though things are happening. I'm eager to start all anew but there are so many things holding me back. Especially one big reason. Still.


I hate to continue to hold my phone against my lips, or my forehead or squeeze it in my hands. I hate this feeling that I can't completely begin anew and not being able to completely letting go. I hate completely missing our memories or new memories that never got to happen. I hate to have all this inside and completely not letting go. I don't miss... I hate having flashbacks with you. Flash forwards haven't quite sufficed. But they are somehow there. Here. I hate having to getting images that are just images but not quite. I miss the images, not you. You- it's a mix of feelings I don't get.



  I don't have true feeling in my life. And the only true feeling I know is love. Consuming love. There's no life for me without it. And these couple of weeks ( I wouldn't like to say months) this has been keeping me unable to sleep quietly and without an ache inside of me; like my ribs are breaking piece by piece and that I don't have support underneath my feet. But I turn on the light and I'm all ok.

  Despite the occasional present tears, I'm all ok. And that's what makes it more intriguing.
I have a shadow in my life. I've put it there and I don't know the way to live without it. I've never loved this way. But I know love can't be this painful. Love is kind.

I want my period of adjustment to be over and reach the next level of my life.

I've just discovered that there is a certain type of smile you have for a certain somebody.
A smile that can't be translated to any other person in this world.
I just discovered this in a little video you did of us. And I've also seen this almost a week ago when my mother took a picture of my father smiling- something that I don't think anybody has ever managed that. And there's a smile not even me, little papa's girl did see from him. We're pretty quiet together because that's how we cope with each other.

This makes life bigger than life.

I take a lot of portraits of myself. So that I can cure myself.


I would like to gather in writing every thought I had these couple of days. I would like to do more up to date post so that I can stay true. To others viewing my art and to me so that I can call it art. I need and I believe it's time to connect and not just create behind closed doors.


Most of my days I live in fear of not be able to let you go. I cry my heart out only at the smallest drop of your name. I am mad with suffering for it. It being everything I am, everything that you are, that we had, your behavior, my never letting you go, you quitting on me so many times even when looking me in the eyes, even with me always by your side. And I have so many holes inside of me that after so many attempts to let you go and all of it...because I can't have it I cry feeling my eyes getting red and vision blurry and I know I have to stop but I need to continue... And this is hard to write it because maybe it's not true it's just my mind needing a rest after two years of continuous suffering.. but during the first day of this weekend away to the mountains for my first attempt to sky...I would cry suddenly at times just because I feel like going mad and I am unable to stop and I could put this in capitals letters but I don't because I need to not be true. I need you just to be. With me, knowing me. That is all but you can't understand and don't need that. I made you my whole world because I wanted you to be.

I am the worst at letting go of somebody. To me it's not natural, it doesn't feel in my nature and as life is how it is, it's hard never letting go, holding something so tight..

I call you a dozen times and a dozen more. I am stubborn and I can't accept some things. I feel you within me even if I were on the moon. I am sorry- I don't know for what just felt like writing it now.

And so I went to the mountains and because I changed the scene, the city, routine I felt in need of knowing you. And I called and it made me so much hurt. Hurting from the chest and that breath that hurts at every pulse is something I know so fully it makes me cry even harder o just question my insanity for not letting go of the only person in this world I should. But I don't let myself do it.

....
While skiing I felt helpless and at times I cried. I do it even with people near me because I am quiet and no one expects me to be that smiley anyways and I don't need to pretend to be so when someone asks me something in a smile looking me in the eyes. I just connect with my pain in silence and then I just avoid eye contact until I feel my eyes not so restless anymore.


I feel at times I could easily die. I say it with in my mind, all so serene I believe myself. I say I actually want it.
Is it the pain that harsh? It's not just that of course. I feel helpless so much, so many times that I feel like I can't hold the right answer to so many questions. And I need the quidance firstly from within myself but I thinks so much that it now hurts. And then I get back to you. And back to pain. To silence. To being crazy. And the day goes back, I cure the surface of my wounds


and then you open them again. i am lost

Shower by candlelight

On account of yesterday this should be my advice if you're feeling down, if you can't silence your grin and so on. Oiling your hair and body with argan oil should pull all the tricks in the book. The only difference in my case was that the window from the bathroom had to be repainted and so i improvised something so I can take my desired bath. In that semi-dark i could see the steam raising from the water and from my body but also from my breath. Indeed such an experience..

short story

                Montijo had just stepped out of the bus into Novelda, Spain. Nothing around felt like in his own self told stories about this place. It smelled dusty and everything around felt unaffected by time. ‟Well, this city should suit me," he thought. Not from the first, but that timeless sensation that enchanted him was probably from leisureliness which he knew so fine. It was a certain remissness that was obvious in every detail of the city streets. He had told himself that he should visit this city at the cross of the road, so hidden from the way. "The one city that will make him grow stronger into his own persona‟, he thought. He felt like he was in another story the moment he stepped out of the bus. Not a thing he left behind was to make him let his guard down and stay. He only came to breath this all uncertainty in, to make it real and true. He was to heal from the sensation of presentness that he was so unsure of but everybody else around him was so eager to make him more agile and keen on living and acting more lively, more into the moment. He was a part-time journalist and an aspiring novelist of twenty three years old, blonde, naive, earnest presence. He always had a grown passion for out of reach places. He enjoyed dreaming about them, fantasizing about them. Montijo sure felt a great mixture of feelings when around those places. The ones that are so mesmerizing due to what you feel when you encounter them. And as a meditative person…

***

                He has been feeling lost so many times. But only not when in love. Loving to him felt like with a purpose. That awakening within always made him feel on point. Like falling to get somewhere. He missed her over and over again. Little recollections like her eye lashes, the way he would touch her lips slowly with his index finger, the way he moaned around her. Slightly obsessed with her, he tought he was but in fact every second was pain. There wasn’t actually a passing of time. Time meant pain, time could not pass because pain was still there. ‟But how can you go further from yourself?" he tought. ‘You are one with the pain. You are one with the love. Never in my life had I felt like this. So in love. So alive I’m dead. So much sadness in my heart, in my eyes. I’m constantly looking in mirrors. And cry. I watch my reflection in my eyes, stand there, I look at the tears as they flow down my cheeks ( sometimes there are no tears but my eyes are so sad that it feels even worse). I look at the way my face changes through pain, I make slow moves then all with a force visible on my features. I’m always careful with details. I’m so often quiet that details are my friends. I notice a lot of things and I didn’t even knew it so far. If only I could do something with everything I’ve gathered in my head. I need to see her.’

***       

                ‘I would crumble and fall on my knees whenever I was feeling the ache inside of me. Nothing could bring you back and I’m addicted to your presence. I love you more than myself. I’m asking myself how after only so little time in this city felt things my heart had never felt before, lost my reason and how come I am now longing for something beyond those two. My heart is you. When you’re not around it’s like a scream inside of me, a roar of suffering, of unknown sadness, every time deeper.

I am damned to ask questions, and I ask so many! And here I am thinking I was finally beginning to take action and not just suffering from that unknown lonesomeness I have always suffered from, mostly after midnight.  I kept on reliving. Asking for guidance from myself I would ask my eyes to keep on living and not just act happy. I would pray the cords of my spirit late into the night, I would write some drafts, fragments, notes, whatever and that would give some sort of relief. Despondency is the word to describe me now. And I would call for you. But there’s no ringtone.

The way my heart pauses down and forth-

The way I touch your time. I’d sing for

The thing I love most.

I’m in awe at your sight and I am

Screaming in tears inside. But-

I belong far from sad eyes.

Darling.

***

                My head is puzzling. I sit here and I write too many beginnings. There are no beginnings in my life. My poems have none, my heart, any thought, and any expectations I have have no end. I just stopped crying. It’s a millionth time now that I’ve tried to abruptly stop everything with you. I sit in silence now, alongside my heart. She speaks to me through my mind that has so many thoughts it’s hard to keep sane or…not in love. I follow my instinct no matter what. Even when I am not.

I run deep inside myself and I love everything about one entity. And it is you. How come I got so far into this unknown version of semi-single romance?! I don’t know. I keep on asking. And there are some more questions than answers. I could never write right, I know. Even when in sadness, I run my pencil so softly and lightly I could swim on words, on feelings, on ink. It’s so soft to write! But I am…I..I have no beginnings. But how come I stand? The wind’s blowing and I know myself to be so weak…but I stand! As I write this I try to acknowledge that. I stand because I stand! I am my own guardian. Because I get to nurture myself from expectations and then…to ravish.

***

I use nature’s ways to make me feel voluntarily small. Or so I act. I am too much in my head I would not know if I had it all right, all the facts, all the answers. I am all alone up in my mind and you… All I want to do is leave; but you can’t stay that much gone-all for me of all for you. I cry to know that sooner or later. I want to know my reality. Why do we encounter and fall? I use nature as an assurer. I’m tired of living this way but every time it seems like you’re just starting out; smashing my brain out, that’s what you do to me. I mea…I can’t even finish sentences with bad words about you since I see you as my world. I have your last written words saying that you will come back: ‘I need silence these days. I love you.’

To you I wouldn’t need anything else. But I am more than you can handle and also the other way around.  I have an energy only you can tame, but yours is too much to master. I ask myself why it had to be with you but it always ends with you being the answer. I can’t stop loving. Yes, I am trying to block you out of my life, but you are the one that brings life to it and that’s ironic. I die inside a little always after lunch, after every meal, every move you make, or words mumbled careless. I am yours and I can’t stop devouring myself because of it. You are my addiction. That’s the answer or the easy way out. That’s how I call myself crazy and lay alone in one place or wherever. I plan to write about you all Hemingway style.

                Last time you asked: ‘So we’re going to eat some pizza then?’ But the appointment fell trought. You never did come back. I close my eyes and I whisper -Please stop feeling!-You heart, with you I’m talking! My eyelids feel tired. When I open them again, as I raise them softly, that’s when it feels like a certainty that I’m alone. I nurture myself into sleep, get warm into the blanket but I always get bad dreams and that’s when I get to sleep. I am tired of my ways, but I’ve grown with them for almost seven months now that they feel like home. Take them away from me and I’m all new, like a baby.  Get fixed heart! But the idea is- and it only struck me now completely- I chose it! You are my wish. I used a wish on you. Not long before I knew you I wished to always feel something, to have something to write about, to love fiercely. But it devours me. I know I’m too much in my head and you seem to be the answer to all my problems but I pray- again, I’m using this ‘pray’ thing a lot lately, but yes, I also pray to God besides my heart and that’s because I don’t take your ways too seriously , I pray to him silently, quietly, and I’m not mentioning it to no one and now I confess that because I’m liberating myself and I’m starting to see you fully around me..  Right now I’m in between answers, because when I have you in front of my face there is no question, but certainty. I beg again, and again.

                I can’t go back home now. I can’t leave, I whisper, both with my eyes closed, both with them open.  My appointments are calling for me but my heart is buried into Novelda’s soil. I feel there’s so much more to write but the story is far from changing its course. There are no chapters. My days have only reactions of my heart. I can’t leave for now, but as you’re far from me now I will take small trips of heart into the surrounding area and I shall survive my damned self told stories.

[Despondency. I die inside a little always after lunch

Simona Nuţu. ]

street

I'm trying my hand at street photography. This is not an example, just a/the transition. I'm overexcited about this. I shoot Nature. That's the first thing that I am and love. But lately ( as in the last year or so) I just want
to experiment. I started with portrait. Just to see how I do. But now..I find out that there a lot more categories I can sign up for so to say.
Overexcited about a photo marathon ( street photography ) that's coming up next month.

Walking backwards and voicing out: 'I want something new'. I wonder if your love and my flowing feelings would have been enough. I wanted to know that and I'm in idle movement lusting over you. I wonde and I step back and forth.

  baby 

When something is out of your touch and all you want is touch

external guises.

I feel like I want an escape in pleasures. At evey step I find them. Now that hurts. At the beggining I did not know how to feel, so I called them. That felt like I needed a smile and in pleasure I found them. Sweet, small pleasure were there to hold me into present. But now I want freedom. To be me the one that holds the trigger to my external faces/guises.

The wind is strong and the weather is not so cold.

The wind is strong and  the weather is not so cold. It all reminds me of lost memories . Of summer days. I’m going there again. I can feel the same air , but even though I can feel it,…I know I won’t feel the same old song and mood. Something’s lost, or it’s me that I want the same things .

I can feel the wind as being me and as me being it.  I’m not all lost. I’m just lost in old times.
Every summer  is like an ingido. The waiting for.  And the results are always tears for not being what I thought  was promised for me. Something must change but I’m in too deep in lost memories to know what first step is right. And I’m waiting for this another summer which is at the door and I wonder still. And I will feel it all with too much intensity . and on repeat.  What should I change? Me? Or … But how can I stop wishing for things that are so deeply parts of me?