backstage scene

Backstage scene or not quite.

I got around the idea that I should try fashion photography. I think the idea came to me when someone said that my photos are in that area. And I felt outraged for some reason. And I took I deeper look at them and so that there is that fashion edge to them. So I said to myself ( because all the people I know at the moment are afraid to get lost in the woods, and get themselves wet and run around in water and swim- all because well life for me is first but close to it comes capturing the feeling i'm getting when i see these moments ) ( by the way all the people i know are so scared and afraid to let themselves free that it makes me so so sad not being able to create genuine- true dear to my heart genuine content. For the moments my heart skips a bit when I get the final perfect take on camera- I would like to do a blogpost about this topic but it most definitely breaks my heart and i would like to write about it after i get the answer behind it- or the starting point of it all for my photography and life )

Oh ok- no more parenthesis for this paragraph.
So I said to myself: This is not the kind of fashion photography that I can make! I can do so much more! As an editorial lover I started to think how I can bring my photography at the next step. So I started thinking that collaborations are the answer and that it also should be fun.
Then the need for a notebook came and so that I can check the next things off of it:
Location
Make-up artist
Model
Clothing
Props etc

The process of this all is still ongoing. Need to find out more about fashion photography and experiment more as it's what I love doing!

Finally: Here's a picture from a fiting that had nothing to do with my projects but I was waiting for my model to come pick a dress up for a shooting I had this image in front of me trough my eyes and I had to take it. I'd like to see how I see nude editorial. To be continued...
FOR SURE.

I NEED ADVENTURE

I need adventure so I can actually live.
My mornings are quite so same. The same routine if I can call it like that which consists in trying to hours and hours to find motivation to get out of bed ( at least )- getting out the door is another story.

I've always felt a deep connection with unporpousness ( I need this word to exist ).  I struggle to see straight into what i need and what i like and what i would like to be doing. But it's the ''by chance'' moments that I feel most connected to. Like photography a true genuine moment- when my subject if there is one is not aware of the capturing process, or like staying a few steps behind than anybody else to capture a certain thing my eyes saw.

I need to feel true to myself. And that barely even happens because I find within me a state of mind that does not let me be free and unaware of my thoughts and some other force that has to do with the purpose of my life. And so I'm left moody. I''m this way since I can recall. I thought it was from wrong love that this moodyness won't go away so easily. ( For some time I actually kind of forced myself to make myself fall in love more easily so that I have something to write late at night and forget my depression. The thing is that today still, I don't know if it's an induced depression or not. How do you even know that when it's been there so long?

And so I find myself here again and again in bed. With just tiredness these days. I want to do what I love and when I get known for something I get -not bored but- kind of too aware that people know me by something that I tend to run away ( in my mind and in my spirit ). It's not fun when you only know your own way of thinking, otherwise you'd feel more calm.


I can be harmonious. But I can't be chill.

----

I wish to have my own studio- which would basically consist of my very own room having a bed, a big big window would be much treasured and the rest of the space would be spare space. Part room, part studio. Part passion, part life. =the same thing.

everything I need it to be

Every night I'm saying my problems and my doubts to the open sky. I met you in the cold winter, and ever since, every night before sleep I open the window, breath in and out a few times, I get a visual of you, close my eyes, breath one more time which feels like a sigh. And sometimes when I can't no longer go without talking out this feeling, I say my doubts about you out loud. Just the idea of setting them out into the open space feels surreal, unreal, and everything I need it to be. Then I close the window, I turn slowly and I pretend that then I can easily sleep.

the beginning of something big

Editorial called "Barefoot in the Opera House"

More coming soon.

   Model: Roxana Puriș
   Dress by: Roxi's Fine Cut
   Make-up by: Satmari Oana Oana Satmari Make Up

I still have to upload more pictures from this shooting but decided to share a glimpse of it.
My biggest collaboration so far.

my instagram project callled #girlswithcameras #girlsshooting

I'm starting a new project on my instagram called #girlswithcameras or #girlsshooting. 
After I take some pictures of a girl, and I give them to see the results, I like so much how they look with it that I immediately take my phone and take a picture of them just holding the camera or shooting as in that moment they feel an urge for shooting. I think they look so photogenic holding my camera that I want to continue this project. This is in fact the latest one from two days ago.

Label Zero

 I've teamed up with my girl from Label ZERO and shoot this dress made by her. Today at 3am I felt like experimenting with editing the results.

deep down in my core is only you and insomnia

I'm trying to document this past month in pictures. It just came to me. Actually that's what I intended to do when I started this blog with a ride to another city. But I always post in advance since I can't find the patience to wait and because I'm always in search of the next best thing.


I can't find my peace while sleeping alone, or mostly, at home.
So I've started to sleep at my friends.
First, it was with my best friend Alex because she is from out of town and would only stay in town for one more week if I was to stay with her.
We would spend time together at the pool in town after I would get from work. We will shoot or we'll try to figure out what we will eat next. It was so strange to wake up in the morning, she sleeping, and go to my job in a hurry so that we would have more time to spend together when I'd be back. Our biggest worries where what food to pick from the supermarket and what movie to watch (one of us always ending up sleeping ) after 1000 movie trailers.

  Then we went to Arad County.
We biked, ate, took pictures and just continue living together and getting used to each other so that when I left, it felt strange to do so. We were kind of like a team. We'd spend one full day documenting on how to add a certain gadget to my blog. She'd pick up things I do and I'd pick up things she'd love or hate.

And from our shoot on a hill somewhere near her home:

Then I slept for 2-3 days at another friend from which I don't have pictures. But it felt mesmerizing to compare the habits I'd gain from these girls. And from the people we usually spend night and day with. For example I'd get used to using a coaster for my drink in exchange for trying to make her feel more carefree. Also, from Alex, I'd get a lot more paranoid about big dogs biting me or being way to careful about what I use on my face, or cleansing related. And so much more of these little things that would kind of fade away with my next stay at a different place!

Vreau sa imi spun povestea ca sa ma pot elibera.

Cand a fost sa fiu a ta- am rabufnit intr-un suspin adanc, de la care am simtit nevoia sa ma ridic usor si sa rostesc  fara gand aproape :’Nu e bine.’ like a certain unbearable pain would come. I felt like in a novel when a love transcends time with wounds that barely heal.

Now I have days when I barely speak, looking like I’m someplace else. Are most people like this? I too smile and sometimes slightly fake it, but I am also happy. But I have a pain so deep in me and a search without a path. And in those days I want to have that feeling I have when hiding under a blanket. I have this urge to a distant myself from people. I need to. It’s like I need no care, no love, no worries, no past.

These days come and go. And I travel because I always feel like it.

I can’t deal with responsibility. I need to escape it. I just need to create something, but in these days when I need that the most, I kind of move in slow motion. I don’t know how I look, I just feel like I’m crawling.

I want to be trough with my past, with this love that has no ground but too many tears and sorrows. From my part at least. I don’t think I’ve loved before- and now it was with the one that can silence my thoughts and my worries. Just being in the 1m reach. By holding my head on your shoulder or chest. Like nothing else really exists. And it’s all I’ve been looking for. All.

Now I have you far and near for too long. Two and a half years and counting. I’m mad at myself for doing do, as well as all the people I know in my family or by sight. But only one thought of you…and I’m all lost and completely yours. I cry by thought. By image. By self made future plans together. And I can’t stand another man around me, looking at me, touching my hand, my shoulder. They are no you and they are no sparkle to hold on to. And I know you do the same with some so that you’d feel your self-worth.

And I’m struggling to find an answer to a nonexistent situation. But there is just now- my pain, tears, frustration….and at times your monosyllabic answer. And that keeps me going. For how long- I don-t know but I know I’m dying to dilute or annihilate that feeling of lonesomeness that I have in my heart and eyes whenever I travel to a new place, an old place, or in my stare first thing in the morning. I’m dying to have unnumbered days without that. To feel like the muppet string have been cut off.

I am in need.

I want my period of adjustment to be over and reach the next level

I have a feeling of decaying even though things are happening. I'm eager to start all anew but there are so many things holding me back. Especially one big reason. Still.


I hate to continue to hold my phone against my lips, or my forehead or squeeze it in my hands. I hate this feeling that I can't completely begin anew and not being able to completely letting go. I hate completely missing our memories or new memories that never got to happen. I hate to have all this inside and completely not letting go. I don't miss... I hate having flashbacks with you. Flash forwards haven't quite sufficed. But they are somehow there. Here. I hate having to getting images that are just images but not quite. I miss the images, not you. You- it's a mix of feelings I don't get.



  I don't have true feeling in my life. And the only true feeling I know is love. Consuming love. There's no life for me without it. And these couple of weeks ( I wouldn't like to say months) this has been keeping me unable to sleep quietly and without an ache inside of me; like my ribs are breaking piece by piece and that I don't have support underneath my feet. But I turn on the light and I'm all ok.

  Despite the occasional present tears, I'm all ok. And that's what makes it more intriguing.
I have a shadow in my life. I've put it there and I don't know the way to live without it. I've never loved this way. But I know love can't be this painful. Love is kind.

I want my period of adjustment to be over and reach the next level of my life.