22 Feb 2015

I take a lot of portraits of myself. So that I can cure myself.

I would like to gather in writing every thought I had these couple of days. I would like to do more up to date post so that I can stay true. To others viewing my art and to me so that I can call it art. I need and I believe it's time to connect and not just create behind closed doors.

Most of my days I live in fear of not be able to let you go. I cry my heart out only at the smallest drop of your name. I am mad with suffering for it. It being everything I am, everything that you are, that we had, your behavior, my never letting you go, you quitting on me so many times even when looking me in the eyes, even with me always by your side. And I have so many holes inside of me that after so many attempts to let you go and all of it...because I can't have it I cry feeling my eyes getting red and vision blurry and I know I have to stop but I need to continue... And this is hard to write it because maybe it's not true it's just my mind needing a rest after two years of continuous suffering.. but during the first day of this weekend away to the mountains for my first attempt to sky...I would cry suddenly at times just because I feel like going mad and I am unable to stop and I could put this in capitals letters but I don't because I need to not be true. I need you just to be. With me, knowing me. That is all but you can't understand and don't need that. I made you my whole world because I wanted you to be.

I am the worst at letting go of somebody. To me it's not natural, it doesn't feel in my nature and as life is how it is, it's hard never letting go, holding something so tight..

I call you a dozen times and a dozen more. I am stubborn and I can't accept some things. I feel you within me even if I were on the moon. I am sorry- I don't know for what just felt like writing it now.

And so I went to the mountains and because I changed the scene, the city, routine I felt in need of knowing you. And I called and it made me so much hurt. Hurting from the chest and that breath that hurts at every pulse is something I know so fully it makes me cry even harder o just question my insanity for not letting go of the only person in this world I should. But I don't let myself do it.

While skiing I felt helpless and at times I cried. I do it even with people near me because I am quiet and no one expects me to be that smiley anyways and I don't need to pretend to be so when someone asks me something in a smile looking me in the eyes. I just connect with my pain in silence and then I just avoid eye contact until I feel my eyes not so restless anymore.

I feel at times I could easily die. I say it with in my mind, all so serene I believe myself. I say I actually want it.
Is it the pain that harsh? It's not just that of course. I feel helpless so much, so many times that I feel like I can't hold the right answer to so many questions. And I need the quidance firstly from within myself but I thinks so much that it now hurts. And then I get back to you. And back to pain. To silence. To being crazy. And the day goes back, I cure the surface of my wounds

and then you open them again. i am lost

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