21 Jun 2015

and I feel concrete with you

And maybe I come back to you over and over again, or I always end up choosing you because maybe I've always wanted and urged for uncertainty. That is what I have with you. I am here, I've done a lot of school years. I don't know how many for my own soul, because truth is- I always was eager to learn but school is not a fine space for me, and for my soul. You withdrew school and are in a different town and are struggling to make your way. You are so different than all I know and I feel concrete with you. And it's all I've always wanted.

Yet, you don't share my goals or my morals and every few minutes or moments find your way to hurt me. For loving you. You leave me, you let me go, return, grab again, Not alluring, just grabbing my broken self, you break it again, you love it for a few ephemeral moments, let go and repeat after an enough period of time when I brake myself, I struggle to wake up, to fall asleep, to sleep and to breath - but I can only breath with hope when you let that escape from your mouth. I love your whole being, but I wonder how much is it real, but the sudden aches in my chest and tummy and in every bone when I call you in silent or out loud whisper makes time being real. Time exists and does not exist with you. It exists because it does not exist. And that is what time means for me, the definition of it. I am a poet in my soul. In pain I write or I silently mumble words or states of mind to be later put in verses. And yet. Here I am. In between of something new and something old or just the question of What is to do this summer? 

I want travels with you. Because these days I live in peace because of your i love you in response to mine, earlier on. Or maybe I should stagnate. Because I never think life is that and that's what I find in search of you, life far of stagnation. Or is it truly life out of stagnation? Whatever, I want that with you now. To live day by day with life. Me- the one that finds life to be mundane when it is life. I don't want this feeling no more. Am I the only one? Because, apparently, I am the only one I know that runs and runs and never reaches, because I never ask, nor I know what is there to find.

I love my soul when I'm with you. It's because it fells like a haven't got one. It just pump. No questions or doubts allowed. My love is love.

You run away from things just the way I do. You hurt me. Just to come back to me and ask yourself why. Because things don't work out, but when you do find that love when in a kiss the whole world in its existence and its sense fall away, you...don't quit it right? But also maybe not, as in my case, where it's only shared in a small percentage, or with a person that does not know its percentage.
But anyhow, do I know mine? Do we, all?

With you I am things I'm not with anyone else, and yet, I don't act at my fullest or just barely act from all of my true self.
With you I am things I'm not with anyone else, and yet you know none of them.

20th June

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