5 Aug 2015

I want my period of adjustment to be over and reach the next level

I have a feeling of decaying even though things are happening. I'm eager to start all anew but there are so many things holding me back. Especially one big reason. Still.

I hate to continue to hold my phone against my lips, or my forehead or squeeze it in my hands. I hate this feeling that I can't completely begin anew and not being able to completely letting go. I hate completely missing our memories or new memories that never got to happen. I hate to have all this inside and completely not letting go. I don't miss... I hate having flashbacks with you. Flash forwards haven't quite sufficed. But they are somehow there. Here. I hate having to getting images that are just images but not quite. I miss the images, not you. You- it's a mix of feelings I don't get.

  I don't have true feeling in my life. And the only true feeling I know is love. Consuming love. There's no life for me without it. And these couple of weeks ( I wouldn't like to say months) this has been keeping me unable to sleep quietly and without an ache inside of me; like my ribs are breaking piece by piece and that I don't have support underneath my feet. But I turn on the light and I'm all ok.

  Despite the occasional present tears, I'm all ok. And that's what makes it more intriguing.
I have a shadow in my life. I've put it there and I don't know the way to live without it. I've never loved this way. But I know love can't be this painful. Love is kind.

I want my period of adjustment to be over and reach the next level of my life.

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