22 Aug 2015

Vreau sa imi spun povestea ca sa ma pot elibera.

Cand a fost sa fiu a ta- am rabufnit intr-un suspin adanc, de la care am simtit nevoia sa ma ridic usor si sa rostesc  fara gand aproape :’Nu e bine.’ like a certain unbearable pain would come. I felt like in a novel when a love transcends time with wounds that barely heal.

Now I have days when I barely speak, looking like I’m someplace else. Are most people like this? I too smile and sometimes slightly fake it, but I am also happy. But I have a pain so deep in me and a search without a path. And in those days I want to have that feeling I have when hiding under a blanket. I have this urge to a distant myself from people. I need to. It’s like I need no care, no love, no worries, no past.
These days come and go. And I travel because I always feel like it.
I can’t deal with responsibility. I need to escape it. I just need to create something, but in these days when I need that the most, I kind of move in slow motion. I don’t know how I look, I just feel like I’m crawling.

I want to be trough with my past, with this love that has no ground but too many tears and sorrows. From my part at least. I don’t think I’ve loved before- and now it was with the one that can silence my thoughts and my worries. Just being in the 1m reach. By holding my head on your shoulder or chest. Like nothing else really exists. And it’s all I’ve been looking for. All.

Now I have you far and near for too long. Two and a half years and counting. I’m mad at myself for doing do, as well as all the people I know in my family or by sight. But only one thought of you…and I’m all lost and completely yours. I cry by thought. By image. By self made future plans together. And I can’t stand another man around me, looking at me, touching my hand, my shoulder. They are no you and they are no sparkle to hold on to. And I know you do the same with some so that you’d feel your self-worth.
And I’m struggling to find an answer to a nonexistent situation. But there is just now- my pain, tears, frustration….and at times your monosyllabic answer. And that keeps me going. For how long- I don-t know but I know I’m dying to dilute or annihilate that feeling of lonesomeness that I have in my heart and eyes whenever I travel to a new place, an old place, or in my stare first thing in the morning. I’m dying to have unnumbered days without that. To feel like the muppet string have been cut off.

I am in need.

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